Unsolicited Advice for the New Housewife
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Being a housewife is fun...but only if you know how.
A list random as random can be...
1. Pat yourself on the back. You’ve just made a decision bigger than any decision Barrack Obama has ever made.
2. Tailor fit success. You’re better than a bum and Angela Merkel is your equal.
I don’t really know who Angela Merkel is. I just know she is Forbes’ #1 Most Powerful Woman.
I don’t really know who Angela Merkel is. I just know she is Forbes’ #1 Most Powerful Woman.
3. Half the population doesn’t understand what ‘housewife’ really means.
Some think it has something to do with a lot of desperation. It’s the opposite of that.
Some think it has something to do with a lot of desperation. It’s the opposite of that.
4. Drink your vitamins.
5. Make sure your cellphone has built-in camera. Surprising things always happen at home.
6. Don’t over water your plants. Yes, they’re living things that drown and die. Jump to # 30 but be sure to get back to this number.
7. Garlic spray is the best and the safest anti-ant solution.
8. Journals aren’t only for those who have the flair for writing. Keep one. It’s better than talking to the walls.
9. Watch Conan O’Brien. A good laugh will make you healthier.
10. Learn Taekwondo. Remember: Rise to the occasion.
11. Keep as many Idiot’s Guides as you can.
You’re not an idiot but you’ll feel like one if your microwave stops working.
12. Always use matching underwear.
13. Don’t start a business just because all the other housewives are doing it.
14. Don’t sell anything if you don’t have 50 relatives who will buy from you.
15. Cry yourself to sleep if you have to. Just don’t do it if there’s an infant awake.
16. Have faith. You should have one bigger than your fridge. No, bigger than your house is better.
17. Prepare a grocery list a week before your trip to the grocer. An invisible list always comes up while you’re there and it will burn a hole in your pocket.
18. Never wear peep-toe with your sweat pants. Those who do should be sent to Jupiter. Or somewhere worse. (I’ll PM you for this one because I’m not ready for an abduction.)
19. Don’t listen to “Scarborough Fair” at dusk or on a rainy day. The melody will kill you.
20. Do experimental cooking. This is an accurate test of your family’s love for you.
21. You should be your husband’s best friend.
22. You should be your kids’ bestest friend.
24. Great if you're friends with your mother-in-law. But she will change the way you arrange your furniture if you let her live in your house.
25. Short-term courses are way better than pedicures.
26. Get into crafting. The craft room is an area where you can worship yourself.
27. If your baby’s five months old and you still have the baby bumps, it makes everyone in your house discreetly unhappy.
28. Keep an ample supply of art materials at home. Go back to # 26.
29. Go moon bathing with your family. It’s better than any basketball game on TV.
31. Dancing and singing skills are required in motherhood.
32. Remind your husband about the bills through e-mail or SMS so he won’t get scared of you.
33.Everyone in the house should always have clean socks and underwear. If they run out, it’s your fault.
34.Sleep is fictional if you have an infant.
35.Build a library at home.
36.Hide My Secret Life by Walter on a top shelf where anyone under 18 years old can’t reach them.
37. Change the sheets every week. It’s unacceptable to have any excuse not to.
38. Hug. It’s for free, very powerful, and wonderful for growing kids and husband.
39. Subscribe to unlimited texting. Friends have to be within your reach. And your mother too, for an emergency recipe.
40. Triple-lock the doors. Paranoia can be a good thing in certain circumstances.
41. Smell good at all times.
42. Martha Stewart will make you feel stupid. Try Rachael Ray instead.
43. You don’t need househelp unless you’re a war veteran.
44. Keep a savings account with real savings in it. A rainy day will always come.
45. Keep count of your falling hair. Sometimes they don’t stop falling until you're 50.
46. Hold hands with your husband, even if you're not watching The Exorcist.
48. MADE IN CHINA is the most popular line on this planet.
49. Invest in good shoes. But look at #52.
50. Love like you have never loved before. Go crazy in love with your family.
51. Always let your kids make their beds and don’t take “no” for an answer. It’s their ticket to becoming responsible citizens.
52. Who needs Louboutins if you have a husband who thinks you are the Queen of of the Universe?
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